Most people resent getting advice, so is it a good idea to give advice?
I heard a discussion the other day about psychology and therapy, and the psychologist in this discussion said it’s not a good idea to give advice. (At least in the context of therapy.) This surprised me a little because I think this guy gives a lot of advice.
He gave two reasons why you shouldn’t give advice. First, people resent advice and usually don’t follow it. Second, even if they do follow your advice, and if they improve their lives or their business as a result, you’ve stolen the win from them. It’s now your victory, not theirs. At least to some extent.
I think that’s an important point because it sheds some light on why people love to give advice. It’s a little disturbing to think about it this way, but when you’re giving advice you’re trying to steal a little of the credit for someone else’s success. That’s more than a little twisted.
People have an inherent desire for freedom and autonomy. When advice is perceived as an assault on their autonomy, people resist it. This is very relevant in a professional setting where a sense of ownership of one’s work and decisions are part of your value as a professional.
What can you do instead that’s both effective and not egotistical or creepy?
I have a friend who’s a theology professor, and I know his perspective on things fairly well. He was teaching a class at a nearby school so I asked if I could audit the class and sit in.
I knew that he had a particular opinion related to the kingdoms of Israel and Judah, but throughout the entire class he never mentioned them. He kept beating around the bush. Dropping hints.
If you were paying attention, and if you had half a working brain, you’d figure it out. You’d make the connections and come to the conclusion he was trying to teach. But he wasn’t going to feed it to you. He wanted you to do the mental work.
Adults are more likely to engage with and retain information when they have actively participated in the discovery process.
How does that apply to management? How can you encourage employees to do the mental work to come to the conclusion you want them to come to without hand feeding it?
One possibility is to be Socratic about it. Ask open-ended questions and give the employee room to make his own conclusions.
How does this apply to consulting? Consultants are supposed to give answers. If you follow my friend’s method and get your clients to come to the right answer on their own, are you going to get any credit for that? Will they still want to pay you?
Perhaps consultants should focus on workshops or sessions that guide their clients through the problem-solving process. Provide tools, frameworks, and mental models that help the client to discover the best course of action.
In both cases, focus on building the mindset and the capacity to help people answer questions and problems in the future.
In short, it seems like the best strategy is to try guiding rather than telling.
Somehow, this reminds me of Ben Franklin’s autobiography. In it, he suggests how to win any argument, basically by using phrases like “Is it Possible?” “Could it be?” I have been using this tactic for over 50 years. It is many times effective.